I had a miscarriage. It happened about a month ago, I was 8 weeks along.
While it was happening, I actually didn’t think it was that bad. The physical pain of it felt like bad cramps. Which didn’t feel too painful to me, since I know what unmedicated labor feels like. Emotionally, I thought I was ok too. I sobbed when I passed the baby, but then I felt like I was done mourning. But here’s the thing with grief, it comes in waves. You’ll be ok for awhile and then something reminds you of what could have been, like a pregnancy announcement from a friend. It’s heart shattering. You want to feel happy for all the other happy, healthy pregnancies you hear about, but you can’t help feel sad for yourself.
I kinda had an inkling that something wasn’t right with the pregnancy. I found out when I missed my period and did a pregnancy test. It was a bit of a surprise but very exciting. I even got creative with telling my husband the news. We played a game of banana grams and I spelled out “we are pregnant due october.” It was a really joyous moment with just the two of us, well, three of us. He was so surprised but really happy and he hugged and kissed me.
I started to feel some pregnancy symptoms, fatigue mostly and a bit more hungry than usual. But then, I didn’t really “feel pregnant” anymore. I just brushed those feelings aside and thought maybe I was just lucky and I won’t get sick.
We started fantasizing about our baby. What gender will it be? What names do we like? How are we going to announce to our family? We even had a nickname for our baby, “Zippy.” (Don’t ask- inside joke).
Then just 2 weeks later, the spotting began. I had bled a little bit with my first son around 7 weeks, so I wasn’t too worried. But then the cramping started and the bleeding became heavier. I just knew that I was going to miscarriage.
But I went to the ER. They did an ultrasound and found that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and no heartbeat. But the doctor said it could be that I was earlier on than I thought and that the baby was too small to detect a heartbeat. Maybe she just felt bad for me and didn’t want to shatter my dreams by saying that I was definitely miscarrying. But in my heart, I knew that the baby wasn’t alive anymore.
It was amazing that my body knew just what to do though and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for a supportive husband and he is very loving, yet I feel like he doesn’t understand fully what I went through. It’s not his fault, I don’t blame him. So, I am reaching out to other mothers who have experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage or still birth or infertility. I wish I had more words of wisdom about how to cope, but I’m not coping as well as I would like. I guess writing this is my way of coping.
My emotions are still raw. I miss my baby. Physically, I believe that I am completely healed. The bleeding stopped, the cramping ceased. I have even have had another period since then. So, I guess my body has moved on. The emotional healing is taking it’s time. My hormones are still evening out and I am trying my best to cope while they do. I’m just sad. In my brain, I know that everything is going to be alright; that we will have more children and I trust that God knows what He’s doing. In my brain, I know it wasn’t anything that I did to cause the miscarriage. In my brain, I am ok. But I wish I could say the same for my heart. My heart is broken and when it is broken I can’t feel like everything is going to be ok, even though my brain knows it will be.
All I know is that Jesus Christ can mend my broken heart. I know it will take time to heal emotionally. And I know someday I will get to hold my angel. I know that God loves me and I have been immensely blessed with two beautiful sons so far. “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”-Kahlil Gibran. Hopefully, I will emerge stronger.